Carol's Thoughts

“how to”

So for my technical writing class, one of our papers is to write a “how-to” paper (I guess we’re in fourth grade again). We are about two weeks into this project, drafting, reading examples, etc, etc. It might be a problem that I haven’t even come up with an idea for this paper yet… two weeks into it…

I guess it took until this “how-to” paper to realize that I’m not very good at anything. Or do anything. So for the past two weeks I’ve been sitting nervously in class, back-sweat in full gear, trying to rack my brain for ideas and praying that the professor doesn’t ask me about my project.

Here are some of the things I came up with:

“How to comfortably hold your pee for an unhealthy amount of time so you don’t have to get up in the middle of a Netflix session.”

“How to eat a full can of black olives in one sitting”

“How to get something from the floor 3 feet away from you without having to actually get off of your bed”

“How to make it look like you’re laughing about something on your phone but really the screen is black and you just thought of a joke someone told you 5 years ago”

The paper has to be 20 steps long and I don’t think I could make any of these ideas long enough. Also, I don’t really want to fail either.

I looked to my mom for ideas and she came up with: “how to kill a spider.” Now I’ve decided against doing it for my actual paper but I thought the idea was too funny and just had to write about it obvi. So. Here it is folks, how to kill a spider in just 15 steps:

  1. Scan every room you enter, ever. 9 out of 10 times there will be a spider
  2. Locate the spider (he will probably be at least 3 feet in diameter and smoking a cigarette)
  3. Don’t move, they’re like a Tyrannosaurus Rex, they can sense movement
  4. Slowly move your hand into your pocket
  5. Grab your cell phone
  6. Call 911
  7. Grab a shoe
  8. Throw it at the spider from a far distance. You will probably miss and now you have pissed the spider off.
  9. Your failed attempt at shoe- launch has caused the spider to move from its former position, possibly to gather his gang. Cry.
  10. Strain your neck in hopes of seeing the spider from a far distance, you don’t want to get too close
  11. Tearfully yell an apology at the spider hoping he doesn’t attack
  12. Too late, he’s so pissed off that his bro spiders can’t even hold him back. Run out of your house
  13. Get lighter fluid
  14. Get matches
  15. Burn your house down as a warning to all the spiders

You: 1, Spider : 0

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