I just returned from Cancun, Mexico where I went on spring break. A group of 20 girls booked our spot at one of the shittiest (I mean that literally and figuratively) all-inclusive resorts in all of Mexico.
Don’t get me wrong here, it was very fun, I just really had to outweigh the bad with the good. Let me give you a few examples.
- Getting to lay on the beach all day for seven days made up for the fact that a majority of us got the wicked poops or “Montezuma’s Revenge” if you will.
- You will get arrested for sitting on the beach past dark BUT if you decide to buy or sell cocaine in broad daylight that’s cool, whatever. Super casual.
- Many foreign men who look suspiciously like Pitbull the rapper will grab you against your will or catcall you. I guess it was a confidence booster except I think they’ll hit on anything with boobs. Also here’s a little tip to you foreign men, I don’t know how they do it in Latvia or wherever the hell you are from, but in America girls don’t like when you grab them without consent. They treated the whole resort like some sort of weird booze fueled sex rave (I don’t know what that means).
- If you like listening to large groups of men chant “show your tits!” until at least 5am then I’ll refer you to the resort we stayed at. Again, we had to take the bad with the good, maybe I didn’t sleep at night but the “show your tits” crew would usually sleep through the whole day so I didn’t ever have to see them.
Oh I also have a couple great stories.
One morning, fairly early, me and my friend were sitting by the ocean enjoying the peace and quiet until the girls in thong bathing suits (their parents have to be proud) and meaty steroid men showed up at the beach and blasted their 2 Chainz and their David Guetta. Anyway, this guy wearing jeans and tee shirt walks past us, takes his pack of cigarettes out and lays them on a beach chair, and THEN RUNS INTO THE OCEAN FULLY CLOTHED. A part of me thought he was just going to keep swimming forever until he just died. Well he didn’t keep swimming, eventually he came back to shore, grabbed his cigarettes, looked at us and said “you only get to that once in your life” and then he walked away. Such a wise soul. My hypothesis was that he snorted a line of cocaine and didn’t know what to do with himself so he jumped off his third floor (just guessing- the third floor seems realistic yet dramatic but fourth floor would probably kill him) balcony and bolted straight for the ocean.
Another strange thing happened. One day we took a catamaran to an island to go snorkeling and do tourist stuff. On the way back to Cancun on the boat, we got caught in a pretty bad storm including lightning (sorry grandma and grandpa if you’re reading this I don’t want to scare you- I lived). We were like halfway between the island and Cancun (about an hour boat ride apart) and we saw this guy completely alone in the middle of the ocean snorkeling by himself. IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORM. BY HIMSELF. Again, my hypothesis is that it was definitely something cocaine related, like either he got really high and swam all the way out there or someone left him a block of cocaine floating in that particular quadrant of ocean. I don’t know I don’t sell cocaine. But no one said anything about it nor did we stop to make sure he was okay. Pardon my French but Mexico is a fucked up place.
Well this is all I have for now. All of the strange things that happened on this trip could fill an entire novel. Maybe I will write an entire novel. But the bottom line here is that I survived and also that I think everyone in Mexico does cocaine apparently. Adios!