Momma needs a lil taste

It’s been so long since I blogged!  My last post was about what searching for a job is like and now I have a job. And with a job comes money. And mo’ money mo’ problems.

I have decided to write about something that affects many people’s lives in a negative way: online shopping addiction. The first step is admitting that you have a problem and today as I forced another free Lululemon bag* into my special drawer dedicated to 100 or so free Lululemon bags I thought to myself this is a problem that should get more attention. Let’s forget about the homeless and hungry because this topic is far more important.

Here is exactly what goes through an addict’s head as she or he makes an online purchase.

(From the point of view of my mind): “Wow I am so bored this evening. Ugh I have already seen this episode of the office like 44 times, let’s peruse through my apps and see if I can find something entertaining in there. Well I just checked all of my social media sites like 3 minutes ago so nothing new there… let’s just open the Lululemon app. Momma needs a lil taste.

Okay you opened the app, that’s enough. Just close it before you do any further damage.

Orrrrr okay no actually let’s just see what’s new in the “short sleeve shirt section” why would I want anything in there anyway? OH MY GOD GURRRRRRRRLLLLLLLL HOLD UP LOOK AT THAT ONE! OH GURL THAT WOULD LOOK SO GOOD ON YOU! AND IT’S ONLY $75!

$75 for a TEE SHIRT!? Nooooo I couldn’t that’s ridiculous, well I mean I don’t want to like forget where it was on the site just in case. Okay I’ll JUST add it to my cart but that’s it.”

This cycle continues on through every single G- damn piece of clothing on the site. When I finally have a good high going I decide to just check my cart which I somehow managed to collect 15 various and sundry articles of clothing all adding up to like a million dollars.

The next part is what I like to call the “decision point” which is basically where I come down from my high. It requires a lot of sweating, calculations, multiple pros and cons lists, and nervous pooping (just kidding it hasn’t come to that.. yet) until I finally limit myself to a couple of things. Luckily I have my credit card number memorized so I don’t even have to move from my bed to complete my transaction.

Once I finally hit the “confirm your purchase” button it’s like I have a sudden clarity of the meaning of life. Everything is good again! Once I get the email confirmation I feel whole. When I get the shipping confirmation I am filled with pure elation. Waiting for that package to come in the mail is like a mother waiting for her child to be born. When it arrives I am overcome with joy (unless it doesn’t fit). Then I feel empty and alone again so I make another online purchase!

*Lululemon is an extremely overpriced athletic clothing store and they give you a free bag when you buy something. It’s very exciting.

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