So Sunday I helped my lovely boyfriend move into to his new apartment which I was absolutely happy to do! There was a lot of sweat, heavy furniture, and several broken nails. One of the things we had to move was this huge leather couch. If you watch Friends (and let’s be real I am sure that you do) it was almost EXACTLY like the scene where they have to move the couch and Ross keeps yelling “pivot!” except we didn’t actually rip the couch in half.
ANYWAY. So everything was good, I spent the night Sunday, went to work Monday and Tuesday, life was normal until………
Wednesday morning I woke up with this pain in my lower stomach that felt like I had pulled my ab (lol what ab?) muscle pretty bad or maybe had a gas cramp (also funny). So I went on with life but it still hurt really bad! Especially if I pushed on it. And I was super bloated all day today. I’m not even kidding, at one point today I stood up AND MY PANTS BURST OPEN.
I obviously Googled it. It is never a good idea to Google “lower stomach pain” ever. EVER. So after extensive searches, I narrowed my findings down to appendicitis, my gall bladder exploded, an intestinal blockage, cancer, or a hernia.
Hernia seemed like the most promising choice so I scheduled an appointment at 5 today (I got to leave work early which was good because my shoes were all wet from the rain so I was pretty pissy).
So I got to the doctor and they did all the normal stuff, they weighed me: I cringed, they took my blood pressure: I got nervous and it ended up being high, etc, etc.
When the doctor came in the room he was an adorable 80 year old man. Yay! everyone wants the nice old man doctor!
Little did I know he would scar me for life.
First he asked me what the issue was and I was like “yo doc I was helping my super cute BF move some couches n stuff Sunday now my navel is tender!”
So he had me stand up, lift my shirt up, he stuck his finger UP INTO MY BELLY BUTTON and I shit you not, he had me turn me head and cough. All of this was so shocking to me. Then he had me lay down and as soon as I did he goes “awww yep there it is.” HE COULD SEE THE HERNIA COMING OUT OF MY MOTHER EFFING BELLY BUTTON HOW SICK IS THAT? MY ORGANS ARE LITERALLY BEING PUSHED OUT OF MY BODY.
So I was sitting there trying not to puke because that is disgusting AND THEN HE STARTED POKING IT AND ASKING IF IT HURTS LIKE DAMN DOCTOR YOU’RE POKING MY INNARDS WHAT DO YOU THINK???????????????
So anyway, moral of the story here is that my organs are spilling out of my body because I am pretty hardcore when it comes to moving couches I guess.