At 5:25am my alarm goes off for work every single day. That’s like really early. Every morning I grunt with sadness and have to find the strength within to remove myself from the warmth of my bed (and cat) and emerge into a house that is kept around 60 degrees, sometimes even colder than that.
This morning in particular could have gone better.
My alarm went off terrifying me out of a very lovely dream that I cannot recall. My cat, weighing in at 15 pounds was laying right on my stomach, crushing my internal organs. I yawned and stretched, causing a severe cramp in my calf. When I turned the beside lamp on, my cat meow-screamed in displeasure that I woke her from her precious kitty sleep and dug her claws into my arm as she jumped down from the bed.
I stood up and walked to the bathroom. There were clues indicating that I had gotten up to pee the night before and did not flush the toilet. I don’t remember that whatsoever so who knows what else I may have done/ stolen/ broke/ murdered.
My shower was pretty average. I spent about 10 minutes trying to condition my hair with shampoo instead of conditioner and wondered why it wasn’t working. Usually when I shower I’m so lazy that I don’t even close the bathroom door all the way until it latches. Towards the end of my shower, I heard a few loud thumping sounds that I recognized as my cat throwing herself against the door, finally the door flew open.
Now that the door was open, all of the nice warm shower air had escaped in the hallway so when my shower was done I had to get out into the cold bathroom to grab my towel and close the door. When I opened the shower curtain, my cat was sitting on the toilet seat, drinking toilet water like a god damned peasant. BITCH I REFILL YOUR WATER BOWL EVERY MORNING WHY YOU NASTY.
Okay, fast forward through brushing my teeth, moisturizing, etc etc. I always pick my clothes out the night before so I don’t have to worry about it in the morning but I hate everything I pick anyway so it doesn’t even matter. Today, I had chosen a grey tee shirt dress with a super cute sweater cardigan. Once I put the dress on, I realized I looked like a streetwalking whore. It doesn’t matter if the dress is made for work, when you’re 5’11” every single dress is going to be way too short, I don’t know why I even try.
I opted for a shirt that I wear at least once a week, leggings and loafers. As I put the outfit on I could just tell, this day was not going to be the greatest day of my life. I think we all have outfits like that. The outfit you wear because you are lazy, or it’s raining outside and you’re sad, or you’re on you period, or you had 5 pieces of pizzas and beer the night before, but you know that when you wear it, that it won’t be a special day. Of course, those are also the days where you see a million people at work and they probably think you own like two outfits total. And of course the day you wear a ~*~*fly~*~ outfit and keep finding excuses to walk around the building to flex on everyone, is the day everyone caught the Zika virus and didn’t come to work (disclaimer: no one at the EPA has Zika Virus I was just trying to think of something relevant).
Fast forward again through the hair and makeup process, because NOTHING special ever happens then, it’s really just a hindrance on my morning. I will admit it’s a necessity though because any time I choose not wear any makeup people ask me if I’m ill. I don’t even wear that much…rude.
I went to the kitchen to prepare my coffee and lunch. Luckily, I always make my lunch the night before, so I just needed to make my coffee. I turned the Keurig on and waited for it to get warm, once it was ready I pushed the top down and hit the button. About 30 seconds later, I realized I NEVER PUT MY MUG UNDER THE SPOUT SO COFFEE WAS JUST POURING EVERYWHERE. I quickly stuck my mug underneath to catch the ass end of the coffee which really didn’t help much at all. ALSO, I forgot to put a new K cup in so it was the gross old one that I used the day before. So there was stinky, old coffee everywhere.
MEANWHILE, my chubby kitty was meowing in despair for her food and aggressively knocking her head against me as I tried to clean up my mess. I fed the cat, remade my coffee, gathered my things to leave, opened the front door and it was like Hurricane Katrina level winds and rain. I couldn’t find my raincoat and my umbrella was in the car, so I sulked to my car feeling sorry for myself, ruining my hair. I then had to go get gas that is now $2.09 a gallon which is hella expensive (listen to me bitching… when I first got my license gas was like $5 a gallon, I am just the worst).
But I got to work and I have an awesome job so everything is okay now! Just another great day of protecting the environment.