Carol is doing triathlons

So as many of you might know, I have been training for a couple triathlons this summer. One is an Olympic distance which a 1 mile swim, 24.9 mile bike, and a 6.2 mile run. The other one I’m doing will be a half Ironman (Ironman70.3) which is a 1.2 swim, 56 mile bike ride, and a 13.1 mile run. I know what you’re thinking, why would anyone torture themselves like that? Well first off why don’t ya mind your own damn business? And also because ever since I quit swimming, I have a gaping hole in my life which I realized is due to lack of competing against other people.

The Olympic distance is this Sunday and the Ironman is in August. I am very excited for Sunday! Here is what I think is going to happen:

Swimming: I don’t own a wetsuit which is a total newbie move. Anyone who’s anyone owns a wetsuit, they warm you up and make you really buoyant. But they’re like $250! I have already spent upwards of 8 billion dollars on triathlon gear ok I cannot spend anymore. Plus the water is like 71 degrees and TBH, I have swam in much colder. They are starting the swim waves based on how fast you think you are. I will be starting up near the front with the fast people. All of these people will be laughing and judging me, like look at this bitch in her regular triathlon clothes sans wetsuit pretending like she can swim. PSSSHHHHHHHH. WHAT. A. LOSER. Then I will dive in the water AND DESTROY EVERYONE. I have already done a practice open water swim in this lake, it’s pretty clean but murky enough to where I can’t really see anything beneath me. THANK GOD because I do not want to see any fish swimming around. During the practice swim, my hand touched something floating in the water and I almost went into cardiac arrest. Also, the end of the swim will finish in a shallow part of the lake where we have to run up the beach, meaning my feet have to touch the bottom which is terrifying. I guess I have been so #blessed with a life of swimming in chlorinated pools and the waters of Pure Michigan that I have become a giant pussy.

Transition 1: I have not practiced transitions at all. This is the part where I run from the water to my bike and have to quickly put on my bike shoes, socks, helmet, and sunglasses and get my ass on the road. My biggest fear is forgetting where my bike is in the midst of hundreds of other bikes. I actually had a nightmare about this last night.

Biking: By far my least favorite. It’s not very hard to ride a bike, I mean you never forget. But I am relatively new to the road bike still, I just learned how to use my gears like 2 weeks ago (there’s like 800 gears). I just got my bike shoes LAST WEEK. And let me tell you, having you feet literally STUCK ON THE PEDAL is one of the most terrifying feelings in the whole world. Like if I start to fall sideways, I will not have time to get my foot out and I will be shit out of luck. Also, actually getting your foot to clip into the pedal takes some finessing. The shoe needs to make sweet love to the pedal. I also still have a fear of taking one hand off of the handlebars to grab my water or a gel to eat but I should probably stop being a little bitch about it so I don’t get dehydrated and die. Luckily, the bike course is pretty flat and straight and honestly, 25 miles is child’s play. I am, however, fully expecting all of the people I beat in swimming to fly right on by in the bike portion.

Transition 2: This is where I will come back to the bike area and hook my bike back up on the rack (or something), change from bike shoes to running shoes, and switch from helmet to running visor.

Running: Ahhhh yes running. One of my favorite things! Normally. I don’t really know what running after riding a bike for 25 miles is going to feel like. I’ll probably start running and then die. Or my calves will cramp up so tight they’ll implode. I think I will be okay though! I may not be the fastest runner (or anywhere close) but at least I can do it.

Oh I forgot to mention the best part! NO HEADPHONES ALLOWED. Okay, like for the bike I totally get that! It’s a safety thing, plus the wind is blowing too hard to hear anything anyway. I have NEVER EVER ran without my headphones before. The thought of having to hear my heavy serial killer breathing is making me tired just thinking about it!  I won’t be able to listen to Old Thing Back by Matoma and the Notorious B.I.G. (this is my favorite song in the whole world to run to, it’s basically a 6 minute song about his penis but ok the lyrics don’t even matter) to keep me going! Hopefully there will a large crowd of people cheering to keep me distracted! And maybe, just maybe, God will smile on me and there will be a speaker near the course playing music (hopefully my entire Spotify running playlist, K thanks).

Anyway, besides all of the fears and concerns that I have listed above (which I now realize is A LOT) I think it will be a fun race! I’m not trying to win or anything, just do my best and have fun (oh god that was so cheesy ok byeeee).

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