There are plenty of “healthy” brands of ice cream on the market and during a fairly dark period in my life, I was a big fan of Arctic Zero. Arctic Zero is THIRTY FIVE CALORIES A PINT WHAAAAAT. You’re probably thinking to yourself “wow that must taste like complete ass” and you would be right!! I used to try to get my ice cream fix from it but it was basically like eating frozen chocolate water. It advertises as gluten free, dairy free, non GMO (whatever the shit that means like THANK THE LORD my ice cream is free from GMOs because that would totes deter from ever eating it in the first place), and I am pretty sure it was dairy-free as well. So essentially I was spending $5 on a pint of frozen ass-water.
WELL ANYWAY. I pretty much stopped eating Arctic Zero and was stuffing my fatass with normal ice cream like every night this past summer because…ice cream is amazing duh? But sometime in July, I got a coupon from Kroger for a FREE pint of Halo Top which is just another “healthy” brand of ice cream. I chose the lemon cake flavor out of chocolate, vanilla, and birthday cake. AND GOOD CHRIST, WAS IT SOME GOOD SHIT.
Now it’s a whopping 240 calories a pint instead of the non-GMO-piss-swill 35 calorie Artic Zero BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL TAKE IT. Considering a normal pint of Graeters has like 1200 calories in it!! It also has a lot of protein in it so I can just eat it for dinner instead of cooking real food.
So I tried the other three flavors and loved them with all my heart! My favorite ended up being vanilla because it tastes DEAD ON normal vanilla ice cream! UGH SO GOOD.
WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL a couple weeks ago, another basic bitch friend of mine brought something to my attention. According to the Halo Top Instagram account, THEY WOULD BE RELEASING TEN NEW FLAVORS ON OCTOBER 10.
The wait was UNBEARABLE. I felt a prisoner waiting for the end of their sentence. Finally the fateful day arrived. Lucky for me, I work for the good ole US of A and had October 10 off for Columbus Day so I could go to Kroger first thing in the morning and just sit on my couch all day, bathing my body in a variety of Halo Top ice creams.
I arrived at Kroger at approximately 10am for my weekly grocery trip. Once I finished getting everything else I needed, I went to the ice cream aisle but much to my disappointment, there were just the four original flavors. I thought maybe I had gotten there too early and I was tired and hungover from a wedding on the previous eve so I left.
When I got home, I decided to call Kroger and demand an explanation as to why there were no new flavors! I probably sounded like the most desperate of the basic bitches, saying that I had saw that they were getting new flavors on Instagram, then went to Kroger first thing in the morning to buy them. The guy on the phone said they did in fact have them, they just weren’t stocked yet.
I waited about an hour but was too excited. I went back to Kroger, my heart racing with anticipation like a child Christmas morning. I approached the frozen aisle only to find THERE STILL WERE NOT ANY NEW FLAVORS OUT. At this point, I walked my Lululemon pants-wearin’ ass over to a Kroger employee with my Bean Boots, pumpkin spice latte in hand, and explained my dilemma. The guy definitely thought I was a crazy person. Maybe I am a crazy, crazy about being basic! He told me that they would not be releasing the new flavors until 2pm. Like it was some Kanye West album was about to drop or something.
It was already 12:30 so I decided to go to the gym since I was about to eat all the healthy ice cream in the world in a matter of hours. At precisely 1:53 I left the gym and went back to Kroger, which is maybe 500 yards away from the gym. I knew I was going to be early but I was too excited, if they didn’t have the new flavors out, I planned to lurk in the frozen foods until it was time.
Again, the anticipation was building as I approached the frozen aisle and SAW AN ENTIRE CASE STOCKED TO THE BRIM WITH NEW HALO TOP ICE CREAM. I took out my phone to Snapchat a picture to all the other basic bitches and let them know that THE TIME HAD COME.
I stared at the case, marveling at its beauty for almost 5 minutes before some fancy gentleman in a suit came over to me. He asked if I had ever had Halo Top before. Like sir, can you see how basic I am? OF COURSE I have had it before! He then asked me where I heard about the new flavor release, I told him Instagram. He was getting a little too familiar for my tastes. But then I realized he had some fancy ass badge/ name tag thing on, I think he worked in corporate either at Kroger or at Halo Top.
Another woman in fancy garb came up to me. At this point I had SIX PINTS in my basket and asked if she could take my picture to send to the CEO. She also wanted to include the fact that I was such a desperate basic bitch and I had already been to Kroger thrice that day (embarrassing). She also asked for my name and address, which I am assuming means I am either going to get free pints/coupons in the mail or she is going to come to my apartment in the middle of the night, murder me, then steal all of my pints. Still unsure.
After all this drama, I ended up purchasing: strawberry, cookie dough, red velvet, s’mores, black cherry, and mocha chip (I SPENT THIRTY DOLLARS ON ICE CREAM). I must say, they are ALL PHENOMENAL. Unfortunately, the next day I succumbed to a terrible cold and couldn’t taste a thing BUT TODAY I CAN, so I am finna go home and rip into some protein packed frozen goodness.