Recipes

Cheesecake Cups, Bitch!

Both my mom and her fiancée were lucky enough to obtain full custody of their KitchenAid mixers in their divorces (I think it’s a sacrifice my father was willing to make). To my great fortune, my mom and her fiancée do not need two KicthenAid mixers in their house so that means I GOT TO KEEP ONE. She acted if this was a temporary situation, like I get it until she eventually wants it back. Oh come on Sandy, we both know that you will never need it back.

Anyway, having this VERY adult piece of kitchen equipment sitting on my counter makes me finally feel accomplished (working at the EPA and completing a half Ironman pale in comparison) and I think I have officially peaked in life. But I realized, it looks great just sitting there on my counter but MAYBE I should actually use it!!

Awhile back, I attempted to make a cheesecake. It really is not that difficult but due to extremely unfortunate circumstances (my lack of attention to detail and utter carelessness) I forgot the SUGAR!!!! HOW!??!??!? I did put a little bit of sugar into the crust so I guess in my head I thought I put it into the actual cake part? NOPE. It was essentially a pan of baked cream cheese. I brought it to a family function without even trying it first. So basically it’s like the episode of Friends where Rachel screws up the trifle.

So last week I decided to redeem myself by making a cheesecake with an apple crisp topping (because my basic ass went apple picking and I currently have approximately 75 apples in my possession). The actual cheesecake recipe seemed a lot simpler than the one I previously made. A little too simple….. it was suspicious. The recipe called for two packs of cream cheese instead of three like the last cake that I had made but alas, I didn’t think much of it.

I crushed some graham crackers and mixed oats, brown sugar and butter into a beautiful crust that covered the whole bottom of the spring form pan (yes that’s how adult I am, I have a spring form pan-again I have peaked).  So I started to mix the rest of my ingredients in the KitchenAid mixer. Everything still seemed to be going okay, I even added sugar! So I went to pour the cream cheese mixture on top of the crust and started to realize that this was only going to cover about half the crust, there was simply not enough cream cheese. I wasn’t about to go back to Kroger, I was already braless in my PJs, ya feel? I was trying to spread the mixture out but was just mixing the crust into a horrible hot mess.

I texted my mom, pissed off that I spent another $10 on cream cheese and shit and would just have to throw it away! I sent her a screenshot of the recipe, honestly offended that this person could suggest that 2 packs of cream cheese could cover an entire spring form pan. My mom just responded “Are these the only ingredients? No sour cream? Eggs?” Nope Sandra, that’s it. I mean it basically was just sugar and cream cheese but IDK I was just following the damn recipe!

So I was about to throw the entire thing out but decided to taste it first. OHMYGAWD. It was so good!!!! I mean it really was sugared cream cheese but it tasted just like cheesecake! Why would I even need sour cream or eggs, SANDY?? So I am a genius and decided to scoop the mixture into a muffin tin since the crust was already mixed in anyway. I baked them for about 20ish mins to harden up the crust portion and made something that only a cooking god could create (yes I am calling myself a cooking god).

Here is the recipe!

Preheat dat oven to 350 degrees.

For the crust portion:

  • ¼ cup brown sugar
  • 1 cup graham cracker crumbs
  • ¾ cup rolled oats
  • ½ cup melted butter

Mix all this shit up in a bowl and set aside.

For the cheesecake mix:

  • 2 8oz package softened cream cheese
  • 2 tbsp corn starch
  • ¼ cup brown sugar
  • ¼ cup white sugar
  • 2 tsp vanilla extract
  • ½ tsp cinnamon

Mix all this shit up in a KitchenAid mixer (or whatever other peasant form of mixing you use). Mix until the cream cheese is real smooth n fluffy. Pour that shit on top of the crust mixture and then stir the cheesecake and crust together (doesn’t have to be in the mixer, you can just use a good ole fashion spoon). Spoon the mixture into a cupcake pan, it should make about 12 cupcakes. Bake for about 20 minutes. Refrigerate for a few hours before eating (or not, whatever I can’t tell you how to live your life). You’re welcome for blessing your mouth with this recipe.

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