Carol's Thoughts

Boxes of chocolate suck

I need to talk about something really quick. It’s that time of year where 75% of the food we eat is just like Christmas cookies, egg nog, and candy. I am definitely not complaining about that, sugar is one of my main food groups. I swear if I didn’t eat any sugar I could probably be 20 pounds lighter and have 6 pack abs by now, but seriously I would sooner be on My 600 Pound Life than not eat sugar.

Anyway. There is one complaint I do have regarding sweet treats. Particularly, boxes of chocolates.

Today at work my girl Dolores brought in the BIGGEST box of chocolate I have ever seen, like not exaggerating this thing is about 3 feet long and must weigh at least 20 pounds. Like what a #BLESSED day for the sixth floor of the EPA! I went into her office to get a piece and the good people of Whitman’s chocolates were kind enough to include a diagram of which type of chocolate is in each slot. Ya know, instead of biting into one thinking it’s cherry cordial when really it’s coconut and then vomiting on the floor of Dolores’s office.

So after much deliberation, I settled for a lovely plain chocolate truffle. So simple. I bit into half of it realizing the shit inside was A LIGHT BROWN not the correct color of a chocolate truffle. After several seconds of chewing I realized that this in fact was some sort of maple shit. I have never felt so cheated or offended in my LIFE. I threw the rest of it in the trash. THEN for some reason I decided to go back for more ? The diagram suggested that the circle-y looking one would be a cherry cordial, mmmmm. I bit into it only to discover COCONUT. GROSS.

FOOL ME ONCE, BOX OF CHOCOLATES, SHAME ON YOU. BUT FOOL ME TWICE I BURN WHITMAN’S TO THE GROUND.

I felt bad for already throwing one chocolate away right in front of Dolores so I choked down the rest of the coconut while stifling gags.

I just don’t understand boxes of chocolates. You know what normal people like inside their chocolates??? CARAMEL. PEANUT BUTTER. MORE CHOCOLATE.

Some person must have once thought “Hmmm you know what would make this perfectly good chocolate even better?? Let’s add some weird thick, pink, strawberry flavored shit into the middle of it! And some opera cream (LIKE FOR REAL WHAT THE HELL IS THAT) to the rest of them! THEN we will only put 2 caramel-filled ones into this WHOLE 3-foot-long box of chocolate. THENNNNNNNNNNNNN WE ARE NOT GOING TO TELL THEM WHICH ONE IS WHAT!!”

“Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get!” Oh okay so you’re telling me life is a horrible surprise?

Whoever invented boxes of chocolates is a sick bastard.

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