I usually vacuum my apartment about once a week/ biweekly. I like vacuuming, it’s very satisfying. So tonight I pulled the vacuum out of the closet, spirits high, ready to watch all the hairballs and rogue cat litter disappear like magic. Well the vacuum wasn’t sucking anything up. I guess you’re supposed to clean vacuums out every once in awhile??? Who knew??? So like the (newly) 24 year old adult, INDEPENDENT woman I am, I called my mom for help.
I didn’t like what I heard. She told me to STICK MY FINGERS into the vacuum suck hole thing and actually pull out all the hair, dust, dirt, litter, and SPIDERS PROBABLY TOO. I sat over the trash, sweat beads dripping down my forehead as I was hard at work. I kid you not, I sat there for about an hour pulling shit out of the vacuum until I found my work satisfactory.
I plugged the vacuum back in. But to no avail. The thing still wasn’t sucking!!!! I unplugged it, flipped it over onto its ass and took a look at the undercarriage. HAIR. WAS. STUCK. EVERYWHERE. It looked like the vacuum had ripped someone’s an entire scalp off and pulled into the vacuum, where it got stuck and wrapped around the little spinner things that are apparently on the bottom of a vacuum.
I sat there, pulling hair and sneezing and pulling some more. AN HOUR PASSED AND THERE WAS STILL HAIR. I ended up calling in a priest and having him perform an exorcism on the damn thing.
After the hair demon was released (thank you, Father), I plugged it back in for one more final attempt. At this point I was tired, sweaty, covered in dust, eyes irritated from the dander and debris. The vacuum sputtered its familiar starting sound. And guess what? IT WAS ACTUALLY SUCKING SHIT UP. I let out a cry of joy! Never had I felt so accomplished! I guess this is the kind of stuff you get excited about when you turn 24!
I started vacuuming up the dusty hair mess that was leftover from the exorcism. Suddenly, the damn thing shut off. Out of nowhere. It didn’t accidentally get unplugged. It just turned off for no reason.
I investigated and found that the cord was frayed and the wires from inside were sticking out and also frayed. It had probably been like that for awhile but decided that it would let me spend hours cleaning it out before it finally decided to take its last breath.
So, as I sit here typing this, apartment half-vacuumed, eyes watery from the 90 pounds of dust in them, please just remember this:
- Always make sure your vacuum is in tip-top shape (i.e. no frayed wires) before you spend 2 hours sticking your fingers into it, pulling out 14 cats’ worth of fur
- Clean your vacuum more than once a decade
- Or just don’t ever vacuum