This morning I was initiated into the most exclusive club in the building. Hell, maybe the most exclusive club in the entire EPA: the Donut Club. Out of thousands of employees, only the persons with the most refined pallets, and who have the most extensive knowledge of these fried circles of dough are chosen. To give you an idea of its exclusivity, there are only EIGHT people in this club. And one of them IS ME.
Ever since my first day here (February 1, 2016), I have had my eye on this club. Carefully observing each member (picture me hiding behind an office plant wearing camouflage and holding binoculars) and taking notes on their behavior. In my studies, I learned that the Donut Club does not take well to donuts from Busken Bakery or Dunkin’ Donuts. I took this as an opportunity to drop casual asides about my distaste for these chain donut eateries.
Coworker who is in the Donut Club: “Man this has really been a bad week”
Me: “Not as bad as DUNKIN’ DONUTS though, am I RIGHT!?!??!” (goes for a high five)
I took any opportunity I could to mention donuts in conversation. Someone would ask how my weekend was, I would make sure at least one Donut Club member was within earshot and I would loudly say something like “IT WAS REALLLY GOOD, I TRIED A GREAT NEW DONUT PLACE.” But of course, I wouldn’t tell them where this new donut place is. I had to make the Donut Club members think that I knew something that they didn’t know. Leave them wanting more.
In the past, sometimes the Donut Club would have extra donuts that they would bring up to the non-club peasants. They would leave these donuts in the secretary’s office for people to eat on a first come, first served basis. Usually there were only 3 or 4 leftover, but word would spread like a California forest fire around the halls.
The fastest I have ever run in my life was while sprinting down the hallway to get to the donuts before anyone else. You bet your sweet ass I always got to them first, knocking people down in the hallway in the process. Hey, if you can’t take the heat, that’s why you’re not in the Donut Club.
Maybe it was my excessive lurking. Maybe it was because I basically spoke as if my entire life revolved around donuts. Maybe they were impressed by the physical effort I put in just to get a donut. Whatever it may be, today I was chosen.
Each week, a different person in the club brings in the donuts. My first official week looks like it will fall sometime in late June/ early July. I’m going to search far and wide for the best donuts to bring forth. I will travel great distances and go to extreme lengths to find the greatest donuts. I must make a good first impression. I need them to know that they made the right choice.
MAY SEVENTEETH TWO THOUSAND EIGHTEEN: A DAY THAT WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY.